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Introduction
Getting engaged is one of the happiest and romantic times of your life. Whether you have been courting for just a few weeks or a few years you are jointly making both a personal and public commitment to get married and to spend the rest of your lives together.

Getting 'engaged to be married', to give it its full title, has its roots firmly in the past. In days of old, the engagement period was a time to negotiate a 'bride-price' since the family of the women was losing a working member of the family and they had to be compensated for her loss. Centuries later, the situation was reversed with fathers paying their future son-in-law a payment or 'dowry' to marry off their daughter. The engagement then became a time to agree the dowry and to collect the bride-to-be's possessions (her trousseau). Fortunately today, matters are much simpler and the engagement period is a busy and exciting time where the betrothed couple plan their wedding day and prepare for married life.

Engagement Etiquette
If you wish to be courteous and sensitive to your families' feelings, a little etiquette may well prevent any hurt feelings, particularly if one or both your parents may end up footing the bill for your wedding day! If you think that your decision to get engaged might come as a shock to your parents, you might want to discuss your intentions with them at an opportune moment, before making any public announcements. They will then have an opportunity to express their concerns and to discuss with you both the implications of your decision. You will also have a chance to reassure them that your relationship is ready for this momentous step in your lives.

If your engagement will not come as a shock to your parents, it is customary for the man to ask your father for your hand in marriage. Although it is traditional for the man to seek permission from his future father-in-law before proposing, most men today propose first and then, as a mark of respect, ask for permission.

Seeking permission to many may seem old fashioned and inappropriate today but it is still seen as a polite and respectful gesture. If the man lives some distance away he should telephone or write to his future father-in-law.

Most parents care tremendously for their children's welfare, whatever their age, and they would welcome discussing such an important decision with you. They will then be assured that their daughter will be well cared for and your decision will be seen as being made responsibly. Getting your parents on-board at this time should make the rest of the wedding day planning much simpler and less stressful.

The Marriage Proposal
The traditional way of making a marriage proposal was for the man to make his appeal to his bride-to-be on bended knee. Today though, men usually opt for something a little less spectacular and in many cases it is simply agreed by mutual consent. However, your proposal will remain a special and memorable event forever and it is worth taking the time to think of a way that is either romantic and/or unique. It could be that you are proposed to over a romantic candle lit dinner for two or the question just popped out in the checkout queue at the supermarket! It's up to you to decide but it is worth considering what your partner would appreciate and what will provide you both with a happy memory in the future. Having said all this, you still can't beat a bit of good old-fashioned tradition by getting down on one knee!

In these days of sexual equality many women are taking the initiative and proposing to their men. Certainly, on February 29th each leap year, there are always many media reports of women taking advantage of the ancient leap year tradition by making the marriage proposal. However, for those wishing to take advantage of this tradition, you will have to wait until Sunday 29th February in the year 2004.

However you decide to propose, the words that still remain most popular are simply 'will you marry me?'.

Announcing Your Engagement
Once your close family members are aware of your decision, you will probably be keen to let your relatives and friends know of your engagement. Whether you do this by writing, telephoning or simply letting the 'grapevine' do the work is up to you. Depending upon how far spread your family and friends are, you may wish to consider an announcement in the local or national newspapers. A formal press announcement usually takes the following form:

Mr. M.J. Smith and Miss J.A. Stewart
The engagement is announced between Matthew James,
eldest son of Mr. and Mrs. David Smith, of Hadleigh, Suffolk
and Jacqueline Anne,
second daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Alan Stewart, of Edinburgh.

If a parent has remarried, the announcement would read:

Mr. M.J. Smith and Miss J.A. Stewart
The engagement is announced between Matthew James,
son of Mr. and Mrs. David Smith of Hadleigh, Suffolk
and Jacqueline Anne,
only daughter of Mr. Alan Stewart of Edinburgh and Mrs. Joan Sutherland of Glasgow.

If a parent is deceased, the announcement would read:

Mr. M.J. Smith and Miss J.A. Stewart
The engagement is announced between Matthew James,
youngest son of Mrs. Joan Smith and the late Mr. David Smith, of Hadleigh, Suffolk
and Jacqueline Anne, eldest daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Alan Stewart, of Edinburgh.

A less informal announcement could read:

Mr. M.J. Smith and Miss J.A. Stewart
Alan and Morag Stewart, of Edinburgh,
are delighted to announce the engagement of their daughter Jacqueline Anne to Matthew James,
son of David and Elizabeth Smith, of Hadleigh, Suffolk.

If the your parents are hosting the forthcoming nuptials it is customary for the your father to be responsible for making and paying for the public announcements. However, before the announcement is submitted for publication, your groom-to-be's parents should be shown the announcement for their approval.

Length of Engagements
Although engagement lengths vary enormously, depending upon circumstances, it is usual for the engagement period to last between six and 18 months. However, anything less than six months will probably not allow enough time to arrange a traditional wedding with all the usual trimmings.

Choosing Your Engagement Ring
It is traditional for the man to give his future bride an engagement ring as a visible sign of their love and betrothal. Usually an engagement ring is a dress ring, that is, a ring with a gemstone. A ring with one diamond, known as a diamond solitaire, is still the most popular choice. As well as looking stunning, diamond is the hardest substance on earth and it has since the 15th century symbolised security and strength. However, couples are increasingly opting for something different and are incorporating other gemstones, both precious and semiprecious, in their ring to add additional significance.

Birthstones offer an attractive addition to any engagement ring, particularly if set amongst diamonds. There are several versions of birthstones in existence. Two well known alternatives are for March (Bloodstone - green with red flecks) and August (Sardonyx - an onyx with alternating parallel bands of brown and white).

Before you go shopping for a ring, decide upon a budget. That way you will be able to concentrate on rings that you can comfortably afford. But do always remember that your engagement ring symbolises your love and betrothal to each other, the value of which should not be measured by the ring's price.

About Diamonds
When buying a diamond ring, you should be aware of a few basic points regarding how diamonds are valued. The properties of a diamond are measured using the 4Cs. That is, Cut, Clarity, Colour and Carat. A diamond's cut indicates its shape and how well the diamond has been cut to that shape. Clarity is the measure of a diamond's purity and how much and how many flaws it has. A diamond's colour refers to how yellow it looks. The most expensive diamonds are clear while the less expensive have a yellowish appearance. Finally, a diamond's carat measures its weight. One carat is 200 milligrams and there are 100 points to a carat. When comparing rings you like of similar price you may wish to ask about the diamond's 4C properties as it can provide you with a guide to which ring offers best value.

The Band
The ring's band does not have to be gold. There are attractive alternatives such as silver or platinum. You may wish at this stage to give some thought to the design, colour and style of your wedding ring as you may wish the rings to match. If you opt for a gold band you will need to consider how many carats the gold should be. A carat is the unit of measure for the fineness of gold, equal to 1/24 part. Pure gold is 24 carat; gold that is 75% pure is 18 carat. A band of pure gold will be too soft to last a lifetime, so it is hardened by alloying with other metals. The purest gold recommended for jewellery is 22 carat, whereas the hardest wearing gold generally available is 9 carat, which is 37.5% pure.

Many brides-to-be like to give a present in return to mark their special occasion. Popular ideas for such a gift include a gold signet ring, a gold chain, cuff-links or a tie pin or clip.

Your jeweller will be happy to give you further advice about your engagement ring and will be happy to show you many examples and ideas that fall within your budget.

Wearing Your Engagement Ring
An engagement ring is traditionally worn on the third finger of your left hand (the finger next to your little finger). Although there is no precise evidence to explain the origin of this tradition, there are two strongly held beliefs. The first, dating back to the 17th century, is that during a Christian wedding the priest arrived at the forth finger (counting the thumb) after touching the three fingers on the left hand '...in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost'. The second belief refers to an Egyptian myth that the ring finger follows the vena amoris or vein of love that runs directly to the heart.

Caring For Your Engagement Ring
Once you have made your valuable purchase it is important that you take great care of your ring to keep it sparkling and looking its best. Firstly, you should know when to take your ring off as pieces can be damaged while doing household chores etc. Keep your ring clean by removing any dirt and grime with warm soapy water and an old soft toothbrush. If your ring has opals or emeralds you should never immerse them in hot water as the sudden temperature change may crack these soft stones. Over time, due to its softness, the gold band will lose its lustre, but can, however, be restored with a re-polish by your jeweller.

With regard to your ring's security it is unwise to leave all your jewellery in one location, for example, in your jewellery box as this would be easy pickings for a burglar. Consider splitting up your collection and conceal them in creative hiding places - but remember not to store them where it can get very hot or very cold. You should also arrange to get your ring added to your household contents insurance under your 'all risks' section and ensure that you keep the bill safe should you be unfortunate enough to have to make a claim one day.

The Parents' Meeting
Once your engagement is announced, it is customary for the groom-to-be's mother to write to her future in-laws expressing delight at the good news and to suggest a date and venue for both sides to get together. The meeting, hosted by the groom-to-be's parents, could take the form of lunch, dinner or a weekend stay.

Such a meeting would be an ideal opportunity for them to share in your happiness in a relaxed, social environment and if nothing else, it will mean that on the wedding day your parents are not confronted with total strangers! Alternatively, if you are planning to have an engagement party and both sets of parents live a considerable distance apart, then this could be the venue for them to meet, although it will not be as quiet and intimate as a private meeting.

Celebrating Your Engagement
Most couples celebrate their engagement with some form of party for family and friends, which is traditionally hosted by the bride-to-be's parents. You may decide to have a small gathering at home or throw a large party. Whatever you decide upon, it is customary for the bride-to-be's father to make a short informal speech followed by a toast to the happy couple. Alternatively, you may just want a private dinner for the two of you or jet off and spend an exciting and romantic holiday together. The choice is yours.

Calling Off Your Engagement
It is always best to call off an engagement than proceed with a marriage that will clearly not work, even if it is at the eleventh hour.

If you hold an engagement party some of your guests will almost certainly bring you gifts. Therefore, you should keep a record of who gives you what so in the event that you call off your engagement you are able to return them. With regard to the ring, there is no hard and fast rule about its return. If the women breaks off the engagement it would be reasonable for her to offer the ring back. However, the women has the right to keep what was originally a gift.

If you call off your engagement after wedding invitations have been sent, you should send a printed card to all the invited guests simply stating the following:

Mr. and Mrs. Alan Stewart announce that the marriage of their daughter, Jacqueline Anne, to Mr. Matthew James Smith, which was arranged for Saturday 26th September will not take place.

Etiquette does not require any explanation as to why the engagement has been called off. Any gifts that have been received should be returned.


If you still have any unanswered questions about getting engaged,
please post your question on the Wedding Forum or Grooms' Forum.

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